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Rules for fair
criticism
"To criticize" means (original meaning
of the word): to distinguish, to look closely
To criticize does not mean: to evaluate
does not mean: to devalue
does not mean: to insult, to mock, to ridicule
does not mean: to place oneself above another
The rules of criticism:
(Possibly
ask the question beforehand: "May I tell you something?")
1. Tell an example (when and where?)
2. Describe the behavior and
statements of the other person
3. Describe the effect on me (only
direct statements of feelings!)
4. I ask him for his description
(How
he experienced it; I accept it if he refrains from doing so).
Criticism works only with descriptions!
(of the "outside world" of the other and
one's own "inside world")
Criticism refrains from evaluations.
Criticism thus avoids the increase of aggression.
The meaning of criticism:
=> Since we are often blind to the effects of
our behavior on others, criticism helps to hold up a mirror to each other:
"This is how you affect others."
=> Criticism shows that I take the other person
seriously (I am not indifferent to him):
I observe and say what I see, without judging
=> Criticism shows that I take myself
seriously: My feelings tell me to react or protect myself. (I don't swallow
my anger, I use its energy positively).
=> Through criticism one can also show interest
in wanting to understand the other person, to improve or clarify my
relationship with him.
=> If the basis of love is to take the other
seriously, then fair criticism is a basic form of love.
=> Criticism is an important safeguard against
people who pay too little attention to whether they hurt or burden others.
=> Criticism helps to maintain respect for each
other.
Without the protection of criticism, we lose respect for each other.
=> Positive criticism (= compliments) also has
a stronger effect if it is presented with descriptions instead of
evaluations.
=> Fair criticism takes away fear and gives
strength.
The answer of the criticized:
1. I will think carefully about your words.
2. They help me to recognize in a better way how I
affect others.
3. You must not expect that I necessarily want or
can to become as you want me to be. (Criticism does not rob the mental
and emotional independence!)
To ask for criticism:
=> "Do you like to tell me how you are
doing with me at the moment?"
=> "I don't know if you like what I am
doing at the moment".
=> "I would like to hear an echo from you,
on what I have said".
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