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Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-jealousy.htm
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Since some of my ancestors on the mother's side were very burdened with the problem of "jealousy", here are some basic thoughts on the subject
Problem “Jealousy”
Feelings are triggered by current occasions, but they are intensified by evoking a similar childhood experience, but devalued at the time, and they are increased without limits when they touch on a feeling that one has unconsciously inherited from one's parents because they did not find a good solution for it or repressed it. Jealousy is less the experience of objective injustice than the question of who is loved more by someone you would like to be loved by. It is about a competitive situation in love relationships. Since a person's first and fundamental love relationship in childhood is the relationship with mother and father, the imprinting of strong feelings of jealousy usually takes place in childhood.
O But also in the case of sandwich children, i.e. the middle of three children, where parents often do not perceive that this child does not find as good a place soul-wise as the other two children, an emotional imprint can arise with the secret question: „ Why am I less lovable, why am I less respected than the other siblings?” O A similar relationship of longing coupled with jealousy towards the other child arises when the parent to whom one feels a stronger emotional connection is absent or otherwise difficult to reach. For example, when a young boy lost his father and saw his friends at school playing with their fathers, jealousy can arise which, in adulthood, can erupt violently over small disadvantages. O Of course, there is also the jealousy described by Sigmund Freud in the phenomenon of the Oedipus complex, i.e. the son's jealousy of the mother in competition with the father. The life history of Freud is very interesting: He experienced the competition between son and father with one of his two half-brothers from his father's first marriage. The latter was about the same age as Freud's father's new young wife and there was obviously an erotic tension between the two. But the longing for his mother was, above all, little Sigmund Freud's own problem. He was the firstborn in his father's second marriage. When the second child of this marriage died and the mother also lost her favorite brother through death during this time, she fell into depression for some time and could no longer care for the eldest child herself, not least because a third child was soon born and she needed her remaining strength for the infant. Therefore, a nanny was employed to take care of little Sigmund. When she was arrested for theft and dismissed by the family, the first-born also lost this surrogate mother after the emotional loss of his mother. The longing for his mother, unfulfilled for years, may have created the background for the jealousy model described in the Oedipus complex in young Freud. However, it is not accepted by family therapists in this general validity, as Freud then presents it. But for fates like those experienced by the child Sigmund Freud and many other people in some similar way, it can certainly be true. O A very close succession of births alone can cause the older children to have serious jealousy problems. This is because the newborn takes up so much of the mother's time that the child born earlier is pushed away from the very close emotional and physical bond with the mother to which it had been accustomed until then. But if this child is only one or one and a half years old, it would still need the intensive closeness of the mother. It therefore experiences this being pushed away as a loss of mother, as the breaking up of his most important love relationship, as the untimely dissolution of an ideal world. Not only can the spiritual trust be deeply violated, it can also create a strong energy of jealousy that characterizes the whole later life. O In the Oedipus example, when the son succeeds in being loved more by the mother than the father, jealousy turns into extreme competitive and rivalry behavior. These are often the successful managers or super athletes who always want to show the others that they are the better ones. Because this is the message from their childhood: "You must be more adorable, better than the father in the eyes of the mother." Thus, they enter into competition with each man. The ultimate source of her actions, however, is not selfishness, pride or ambition, but the unconscious love for her mother, the effort to dissolve her sadness and feelings of inferiority, which are presumably caused by a lack of partner love from the husband. But these successful types, who ultimately want to do honor to their mother, are so used to being revered and adored by their mother that they hope for the same with every woman and get hurt and jealous when they don't succeed. However, a healthy partnership does not develop if you only unwind the redemption program that you got into as a child in your relationship with your parents.
O Infants and young children are the only human beings who have the right to “own” another human being, namely the mother (sometimes also the father). This is a fundamental need for them, since parents are experienced as absolutely necessary for them. Those children who have been prevented from doing so by fateful circumstances or by mental stress and corresponding behavior on the part of their parents, try to make up for this later as adults. This means that they try to treat and control their partner, their own children or, in their professional life, their subordinates, like a possession. In a partnership, such "possessiveness" often shows itself in the form of extreme jealousy behavior.
O The examples given so far do not have to be experienced by the jealous person himself. It may be that one of his parents comes from such a family constellation and he took over these feelings in unconscious solidarity with this parent. Such adopted feelings can have a more violent effect than feelings experienced through oneself.
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Pathological
jealousy, which is dominated by a great fear of losing one's partner, often
leads to very destructive conflicts, constant reproaches and distrust. One
doesn’t think he is really loved by the other person, but accuse him of
deceptive maneuvers and mendacity; one tries to constantly control him, to
restrict his freedom as far as possible and to rob him of any independent
scope for development.
In the case of pathological jealousy, a therapist or family counselor (in each case with systemic training) should be consulted!
Manfred Hanglberger (www.hanglberger-manfred.de) Translation: Ingeborg Schmutte Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-jealousy.htm
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