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Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-eheprobleme-nach-jahrzehnten.htm
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Observations
and Reflections on the Breakup of long-term Marriages I.
Natural scientific considerations II.
Cultural-historical considerations III. Psychological considerations 1 - Mother's sons and father's daughters 2 - When the woman projects negative father
experiences onto her partner 3 - Sexual abuse damages the body experience 4 - Systemic view IV. When a common meaning of life is missing I. Natural scientific considerations
1. If we look at the male-female relationship from the evolution
of humans, humans lived in large kinship clans for more than 99.9% of
the biological evolutionary
period. In these clans, having as many children
as possible was very important
for survival. Therefore, the appreciation
for women was linked to their ability to give birth to and raise many children. 2. It can be assumed that these women's
interest in men decreased
drastically as soon as their
fertile years were over. Conversely, after this time,
the interest of men in these
women may have decreased. The task of these
women and the associated recognition
may have consisted more in supporting
the younger women and in caring
for the children and for the entire
clan. But there were only a few women who lived to a higher age. Most women died before becoming
infertile. 3. Men who lived to a
relatively old age appeared strong and healthy. This made them attractive to women of childbearing
age, since sexual contact
with them promised healthy and strong children Therefore, they behaved in an attractive and interested manner towards these older men and developed great creativity in being together physically. 4. Maybe that's why many women in our time still have little interest
in sexuality and physical
contact with their husbands
after their fertile period.
This also has to do with the fact that hormone levels change in women after
menopause and there is no
longer a common interest
in the offspring. Since husbands still wish to be sexually active, they are frustrated when their wives only
endure physical contact but show little or no creativity in the forms of their affection II. Cultural-historical considerations 1. In addition to these
evolutionary considerations,
women are now behaving in a new way due to their increased self-esteem. Women have been formulating
their rights for a good
100 years and are increasingly
aware of their equal dignity as a person compared
to men When the dignity and rights of women are
not respected, they feel violated.
The more vivid the feeling of one's
own worth, the greater the injury if the sense of one's own dignity
is not respected. 2. In some cultures in which
equality between men and women has
not yet been established in society, there is usually
a clearly defined distribution of tasks and competencies
between the sexes. There is a distinct and socially recognized hierarchy: men are dominant and
are in the public eye, while
women are more active in the household
and thus remain socially in the background. But in many
of these cultures, women's contacts and communication structures among their gender peers are more vibrant than conversations between men and women. The gender groups each live in their own world of communication and own reality. The women in these patriarchal
systems often have a lot of contact with each other, but little
opportunity to influence
the men. Being taken care
of is usually more important to them than an emotional connection.
In some cultural epochs, the women chose the men and thus, in terms of evolutionary biology, predominantly held the strings in their hands. After all, healthy and strong men promised
women reliable protection. 3. If women from a culture with developed equality between the
sexes marry a man from a patriarchal
social and family model, extreme conflicts usually arise, because the man usually has great
difficulties with the equal
role of the woman. The contradiction
he is confronted with by this woman, who does not simply
obey as he is used to in his culture, and the need for confrontation and the compulsion
to compromise unsettle him
and frighten him. Uncertainty and fear in a man, however, are extremely negative feelings in his
familiar culture. 4. The shift toward partnership-based relationships poses a formidable challenge to
the psychological development
of men and women, as evidenced
by marital conflicts in
the "emerging economies"
in this regard.
Partnership relations are one of the most important aspects of the
progress of human culture. They have
a fundamental impact on the psychological
development of children, but also on all
areas of conflict in
social life. Those who
can deal with the differences between
men and women in a respectful
and just manner will also learn to deal with the differences and contrasts in
the social and political sphere
in a fair, respectful and tolerant
manner. Where conflicts of interest and differences of
opinion in the family cannot be tolerated
and are dealt with fairly,
it is difficult
to accept democratic processes in society without stereotyping enemies and demonizing the other side. III. Psychological
Considerations 1 - Mother's sons and
father's daughters 1 -1. Men who, as children, played a strong role as helpers
for their mothers often develop a strong sense of possessiveness towards a partner. The basic
pattern that they experienced and internalized in
childhood was a symbiotic relationship, i.e.
the little boy experienced
himself as his mother's property and now wants to "own" the
"surrogate mother" in the form of his partner. This often manifests
itself in extreme compulsion to control and violent
attacks of jealousy. Such men fall most strongly in love with
women who, because of a
negative father relationship,
are very needy of affection and initially readily consent to a symbiotic relationship that promises to make up for the once-missed father-daughter relationship. 1 -2. The man is not aware of the fact that one day he will alienate his partner precisely because of his compulsion to control and his jealousy. For the "oppressed"
not infrequently subsequently develop an "adult consciousness" and defend themselves against the humiliating compulsion to control - while
the "rulers" see
no reason to develop further and therefore often remain mentally and emotionally stagnant in their perception of the partner dynamics. In these marriages, it is usually
the woman who abandons
the marriage. 2 - When the woman projects negative father experiences onto her partner 2 -1. Especially women who
have had negative or disappointing experiences with their father subconsciously seek a paternal replacement and often fall in love with men who were absorbed
by their mother in childhood and therefore try to dominate their partner.
For them, this is the usual experience with their father and therefore not surprising. This may be another reason why these
men are looking for a younger
woman. 2 -2. Negative paternal experiences
often cause a strong desire for a truly loving partner as a "father's substitute." Thus, such women can experience a
happy partnership for a few years.
But after a while, the underlying
unconscious moods of fear
and contempt can prevail
and poison coexistence. 2 -3. Some of these women thus
experience a temporal
splitting of their paternal
projections in living with their
partner: 3 - Sexual abuse damages the body experience 3 -1. Another reason
for the relationship problems
of older women are the experiences
of sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence. This may be one of the reasons women
dislike their bodies and
are not happy "at
home with themselves". Some cannot do much with tenderness, either actively or passively, because they feel their body very little. Due to their negative body experiences,
they have learned to "feel nothing". 3 -2. Some even feel disgusted with themselves and their partner's body. Therefore, they do not develop a "culture of tenderness" and no creativity
in physical and sexual
interaction. Sexuality is avoided as
much as possible, or it is just a compulsory exercise. 3 -3. Not only sexual
abuse can lead to the loss
of a positive body experience, but
also many other forms of physical and emotional humiliation. Especially when not only
certain behaviors are devalued by parents, but existence itself appears as a burden and a problem. 4 – Systemic View 4 -1. Systemic psychology
has revealed that not only
women's personal experiences
in their own life history
can trigger such problems,
but that they can inherit such deficit or rejecting
feelings and basic moods towards
men and towards physicality
and sexuality from their mother or grandmother. 4 -2. If, for example,
the grandmother was sexually abused in her youth, the daughter or granddaughter could have problems
with the experience of her
own body and therefore
with tenderness and sexuality. Usually the fate of
the grandmother's youth is not known
at all. This is why
the daughter or granddaughter
may consider her emotional blocks normal and therefore not see any problems.
The problem seems to concern only the partner, who at that
point can also be considered
a sex addict. IV. When a common meaning of life is missing In the past, when the average life expectancy was significantly lower, life was a struggle for survival for
many people. Many problems and worries about food, work, income and
health had to be overcome.
Furthermore, all areas of life (family, school, world of work, religion, politics) were very authoritarian,
which could trigger a series of fears that had to be faced together in marriage. The extreme problems were also caused by natural disasters, but above all
by wars and the related destruction
and displacement of millions
of people in the last century. Dealing with all these burdens together has brought people together in marriages and made other differences of opinion seem insignificant. In our time, many worries and anxieties in the areas of livelihood and authority relationships
have drastically diminished for most people in our cultural sphere. Now the question arises what gives
meaning to life and how
the perspectives of meaning
of two people in a couple relationship can complement each other and strengthen and stabilize this relationship. In Europe, Christianity has dictated the meaning of life for centuries:
Life was a time of probation,
in which one should earn heaven through
obedience to the faith
and "good works". Thus the world has been transformed
into a testing ground and God
into an examiner of men.
After this model of faith
has become less and less convincing, the Christian Churches
in Europe have not been able, through
the necessary reforms, to
offer people a perspective
on life that corresponds
to the message of Jesus and the knowledge of our time. Thus, capitalist thinking, which promises prosperity, love of
life, consumerism, pastime
and variety, is determining the purpose of life
for more and more people. Since the value system of capitalism has also penetrated
into family relationships,
many partners see themselves, after a few years of marriage, from a consumerist perspective. Furthermore, if they have not
developed a unifying sense for their life beyond building a home and raising
children, continuing to
live together does not seem to make sense. This is
especially true for cases where joint care and creativity for the upbringing
of children have ceased due to age. Manfred Hanglberger Translation:
Ingeborg Schmutte Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-eheprobleme-nach-jahrzehnten.htm
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Important
Therapeutic Exercises, Analyses and Healing Rites >>> Partner problems: Understand
the background and find solutions >>> The temporal Splitting of
Projections in a Partnership >>> Observations and Reflections
on the Breakup of long-term Marriages >>> |
