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Partner problems: Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-ehe-probleme.htm
If in a partnership the conversations, the tenderness,
the sexuality, the common undertakings
become less and less, the impression can arise that you
have married the wrong partner. Separation then
appears for many to be
the only honest and right decision. But there are also causes for such partner problems, which can be recognized and work out through
marriage counseling and marriage
therapy, in order to open the way for a happy couple
relationship again. Some examples and processing options (psychological homework) are listed below. |
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Partner problems / Marital problems |
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1. |
A woman had lost her father when
she was a child. Her longing
for a father shaped her entire childhood
and youth. The current partner seemed
to be the "wrong" one! Her love for him seemed gone. |
>> Ask the father for his blessing for one's own path
in life (also to perceive
the father mentally as present and only externally as absent). >> Asking the partner to accompany
and support one's own remembrance of the father (also to become aware of the difference between father and partner in a positive way in time). |
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2. |
Another woman had
the same fate. She, too, had lost
her father in childhood and was also initially very happy in the marriage, because she had
the impression that she had also
found the hitherto missing father with her partner. Her partner also behaved very lovingly towards her - like a "good
father“. But because after some time the woman's unconscious signaled to her that one must not sleep with the father (incest taboo), all erotic feelings in her disappeared. Although she was very attached
to her husband and had no thought of breaking up
with him, she no longer wanted to have a sexual relationship with him. He was confused and insecure by this and began to despise and devalue his wife, who was obviously withdrawing from him. He seemed to have married the wrong woman.
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Like in example 1 above: >> Making up for not being able
to say goodbye to the father
in childhood - possibly through a farewell letter and a farewell rite. >>> >> Ask the father for his blessing for one's own path
in life (also to perceive
the father mentally as present and only externally as absent). >> Asking the partner to accompany
and support one's own remembrance of the father (also to become aware of the difference between father and partner in a positive way in time). |
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3. |
A man had lost his father as
a child. His childhood
and adolescence were marked by his longing for his father. Later, when he had started a family, his daughter - a typical daddy's child - unconsciously took over these feelings of longing of the father for his own father. When this daughter
later got married, she loved her partner very much, even
tried to bind him extremely to her - like a child who never wants
to let go of the father who has finally
been found. But after
some time, it was no longer the present man who was the most
lovable, but her longing went
in search of an absent
one, for this pattern of feelings corresponded to the long-term
and still living feeling she
had inherited from her father in solidarity with him: The truly lovable one is unreachable! The partner present seemed
to be the “wrong” one. (A common problem pattern!)
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>> Write a curriculum vitae
of the father in order to be able
to evoke strong sympathy
for his emotional pain and his feelings of longing.>>> >> Inwardly say to
the father: - "Dad, I feel for you
- especially with your longing". - “Dad, I respect your
destiny and your
feelings”. >> Ask the father's father for his blessing for the father and for
oneself and for one's own partnership. |
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4. |
In this way, the erotic
tension can disappear even if a father's
longing (or mother's longing) is taken
over without the need for
another relationship arising. On the contrary, the
partner with these adopted
feelings of longing experiences
a very strong connection with the other, but emotionally
it is an unconscious daughter-father relationship (or son-mother relationship). Here it is
always the "victim"
of the projection who gets the impression of having married the wrong partner. Hier ist es immer das „Opfer“ der Projektion, das den Eindruck gewinnt, den falschen Partner bzw. die falsche Partnerin geheiratet zu haben. (A common problem pattern!)
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Like in example 3 above: >> Write a curriculum vitae
of the father in order to be able
to evoke strong sympathy
for his emotional pain and his feelings of longing. >>> >> Inwardly say to
the father: - "Dad, I feel for you
- especially with your longing". - “Dad, I respect your
destiny and your feelings”. >> Ask the father's father for his blessing for the father and for
oneself and for one's own partnership. |
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5. |
A husband constantly abused, humiliated and unfairly accused his wife. Then
he abandoned her and his two daughters
and moved in with a younger
girlfriend. He kept trying
to avoid his financial obligations. Later, when the
younger daughter, who had always
suffered in solidarity
with her mother's disappointments, married, she was initially
very happy, because in her love for her partner, unconsciously, her childhood longing for a loving father also seemed to have found its
fulfillment. But after a few years,
she projected her father experience
onto her husband, accusing him of all sorts of wickedness. |
>> To accept
consciously one's own life from father and mother and to respect both as mediators
of the "great mother
nature" (or as "mediator of God" - God understood as the original source of life-affirming
powers) for one's own existence.>>> >> To write
a farewell letter to the father, accepting the positive that may have
been received from him and bringing up the
negative that was experienced. >>> (for such a farewell letter and a farewell rite often therapeutic
help is also necessary!) >> To write
also a farewell letter to the mother, in which you accept
the positive things you received from her, but say goodbye to both the needy child role and the solidary helper role. >>> >> If possible, write biographies of the parents to better understand their lives and behaviors.. |
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6. |
A man was told by his mother that
his girlfriend (whom he later married) was not a woman for life. A woman was told by her father that
she had married the wrong man. A man who had lost his father
as a child was told by his
older brother that he had married
the wrong woman. Such statements can sometimes seem like a curse. Later, when there are conflicts in the partnership,
they can push themselves to the fore and
determine the view of the partnership in such a way that one is convinced that they are correct, that one then believes oneself to have married the "wrong"
partner and therefore only
perceives the negative things
about him/her.. |
>> Through family genealogical
work and writing parents' resumes,
better understand and respect their value systems and fears. >> Recognize the negative statements
of the parents possibly as an expression of an outdated value system from their past or as an expression of unresolved problems in their family of origin and leave it with them. >> Despite the perception
and respect of the differences,
respect the parents as mediators for ones own existence
and accept the life from them! >>> >> To talk with the partner
about the fate of the parents
and about their value systems without devaluing the parents and without taking revenge on the parents.. |
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7. |
For centuries, in many
cultures, grown-up children were married off by their parents. These marriages were by no means always unhappy. However, it was and is
painful when one has taken over the feelings of dissatisfaction of one parent
in the marriage. In the long term,
this blocks feelings towards one's own partner (cf. points 3. and 4.). Often children
do not know the cause of their
parents' dissatisfaction,
but only sense their feelings, even though these
may never have been discussed. Such adopted
feelings often have a
more powerful effect than feelings that are triggered by one's own experiences and are therefore better understood and easier to accept. Men and women often get
together psychologically
- even if there was no great infatuation at the beginning of their partnership. But when
burdens from previous generations unconsciously affect the present, one blames the lack of infatuation for a
negative emotional state in the present
partnership. |
>> Write life biographies of father and mother in order to be able to sympathize strongly with their emotional burdens, longings and discontents.. >> Inwardly say to
the mother or father: - "Mom (Dad), I feel
for you - especially for
..." - “Mom (Dad), I respect
your destiny and your feelings. >>> >> Particularly important
in such marriages is the alertness for spiritual growth processes, which can be promoted, for example, through partnership courses, communication courses, autogenic training,
family genealogical work and joint creative
activities. |
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8. |
A girl had painfully experienced the conflicts and injustices in her parents' marriage during her childhood
and adolescence. Her mother had suffered
for many years in the marriage and actually wanted to leave her husband, but had not
managed to make a decision,
although the daughter had backed her
for a separation for years. Later, the daughter
carried out this tendency to separation, in which she had
been in solidarity with
the mother her entire adolescence, in her own marriage
for relatively insignificant
reasons - perhaps unconsciously, in order to be an example
to the mother for this
and to show her how separation works. |
>> Respect the mother's decision to marry the father and also her decision to stay with her husband and endure marriage with him. >> To accept onsciously one's own life from both mother and father in the same way and to see oneself as
a receiving child toward both parents.
>>> >> Through family genealogical work, perceive the childhood and life fate of father and mother in order to better understand their behavior and to be able to respect their decisions more easily. >>>
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9. |
Temporal splitting of opposing projections in couple relationships |
Description, examples and solutions >>> |
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The above examples of
daughters apply analogously to sons, of course. |
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Some children from such
marriages remain single because they have inherited the dissatisfaction of one of their
parents, which blocks them from entering into a committed relationship. |
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These examples as possible causes
for solvable partner problems
do not claim to be complete! |
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Compilation by
Manfred Hanglberger - pastor and family therapist Translation:
Ingeborg Schmutte
Link to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-ehe-probleme.htm
For questions and suggestions:
Mail: hanglberger.m[ät]t-online.de |
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More topics and help in this
website: Important therapeutic exercises Therapeutic
Personal Responsibility Further analysis and help for partner problems in the German books by Manfred Hanglberger: >> „Wenn Liebe Leiden schafft“ >> „Die Geburt des ICH – Wie die Seele zur Welt kommt“ >> „Tränen, die heilen – Neue Wege der
Trauerarbeit! ********************************************************************************************************* |
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