Violence and manipulation
153. On the basis of this positive vision of sexuality,
we can approach the entire subject with a healthy realism. It is, after all,
a fact that sex often becomes depersonalized and unhealthy; as a result, “it
becomes the occasion and instrument for self-assertion and the selfish
satisfaction of personal desires and instincts”.
In our own
day, sexuality risks being poisoned by the mentality of “use and discard”.
The body of the other is often viewed as an object to be used as long as it
offers satisfaction, and rejected once it is no longer appealing.
Can we really ignore or overlook the
continuing forms of domination, arrogance, abuse, sexual perversion and
violence that are the product of a warped understanding of sexuality? Or the
fact that the dignity of others and our human vocation to love thus end up
being less important than an obscure need to “find oneself”?
154. We also know that, within
marriage itself, sex can become a source of suffering and manipulation.
must be clearly reaffirmed that “a conjugal act imposed on one’s spouse
without regard to his or her condition, or personal and reasonable wishes in
the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in
its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife”.
The acts proper to the sexual union of husband and wife correspond to the
nature of sexuality as willed by God when they take place in “a manner which
is truly human”. Saint Paul insists:
“Let no one transgress and wrong his brother or sister in this matter” (1 Th 4:6). Even though Paul was writing in the context of a
patriarchal culture in which women were considered completely subordinate to
men, he nonetheless taught
must involve communication between the spouses: he brings up the possibility
of postponing sexual relations for a period, but “by agreement” (1 Cor
155. Saint John Paul II very subtly
warned that a couple can be “threatened by insatiability”. In other words,
while called to an increasingly profound union, they can risk effacing their
differences and the rightful distance between the two. For each possesses his
or her own proper and inalienable dignity. When reciprocal belonging turns
into domination, “the structure of communion in interpersonal relations is
It is part of the mentality of domination that those who dominate end up
negating their own dignity.
Ultimately, they no longer “identify themselves subjectively with
their own body”, because they take away its deepest meaning. They end up
using sex as form of escapism and renounce the beauty of conjugal union.
156. Every form of sexual submission
must be clearly rejected.
This includes all improper interpretations of the passage in the Letter to
the Ephesians where Paul tells women to “be subject to your husbands” (Eph 5:22). This passage mirrors the cultural categories
of the time, but our concern is not with its cultural matrix but with the
revealed message that it conveys. As Saint John Paul II wisely observed:
“Love excludes every kind of
subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband…
The community or unity which they should establish through marriage is
constituted by a reciprocal donation of self, which is also a mutual
subjection”. Hence Paul goes on to say
that “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph 5:28). The biblical text is actually concerned with
encouraging everyone to overcome a complacent individualism and to be
constantly mindful of others: “Be subject to one another” (Eph 5:21).
marriage, this reciprocal “submission” takes on a special meaning, and is
seen as a freely chosen mutual belonging marked by fidelity, respect and
care. Sexuality is inseparably at the service of this conjugal friendship,
for it is meant to aid the fulfilment of the other.
157. All the same, the rejection of
distortions of sexuality and eroticism should never lead us to a
disparagement or neglect of sexuality and eros in
The ideal of marriage cannot be seen purely as generous donation and
self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounces all personal needs and seeks only
the other’s good without concern for personal satisfaction.
We need to
remember that authentic love also needs to be able to receive the other, to
accept one’s own vulnerability and needs, and to welcome with sincere and
joyful gratitude the physical expressions of love found in a caress, an
embrace, a kiss and sexual union.
Benedict XVI stated
this very clearly:
“Should man aspire to be pure spirit
and to reject the flesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone, then spirit
and body would both lose their dignity”.
For this reason, “man cannot
live by oblative, descending love alone.
He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love
must also receive love as a gift”.
Still, we must never
forget that our human equilibrium is fragile; there is a part of us that
resists real human growth, and any moment it can unleash the most primitive
and selfish tendencies.