LINK to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-projektionen-aufspaltung-auf-zwei-kinder.htm

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The splitting of opposing projections

of parents onto two children

When parents carry stressful experiences from their own childhood or from their further biography, they can unconsciously project the feelings that these experiences triggered onto two different children:

Examples (not exhaustive!):

1. A man lost his father in childhood, who had left the family and left the children with their mother and then no longer took care of the children.
Later, this man projected his longing for the father onto the one son, from whom he hoped to receive the love and attention that he had lacked from his father in childhood. To receive this love from this son, he spoiled him and made him his favorite child. He projected onto the other son the indignation and anger he had repressed in childhood about his father, by whom he had been abandoned. So this child became a "problem child".

2. Another man had lost his mother to death in childhood.
Later, as a father, he projected his longing for his mother onto his one daughter, from whom he hoped to receive the love and affection that he had lacked in childhood. She became his favorite daughter. Onto the other daughter, he projected his childhood repressed anger at his mother, who he believed had abandoned him; because children often experience strokes of fate so subjectively that they perceive such painful events as an act against themselves. So this daughter became a "problem child".

3. One woman had been very much controlled and extremely restricted in her freedom by her anxious mother. Later she projected her longing for love and freedom onto one of her daughters, who became her favorite child. She projected her anger about the many prohibitions she had experienced from her mother during her childhood onto the other daughter. This daughter became a "problem child".

4. Another woman had grown up with brothers and sisters and had experienced that the brothers were held in far greater esteem and given far more freedom than the daughters. The father was extremely dominant and the mother submissive. When the woman married, she had two sons. She gave one son the appreciation she had hoped for in vain from her father and projected the anger about the disrespect she had experienced as a daughter in her childhood onto the other son.

But the view that children are only psychologically influenced by their parents' unconscious projections is one-sided, because the children adopt their parents' repressions of their own accord and are burdened by them.

For example, children can take over individual repressed feelings from their parents - such as the repressed anger of their father from his childhood. However, they can also take over repressed and devalued people from their relatives and be occupied by their feelings.

If, for example, the grandfather on the mother's side is considered a difficult and selfish person and is devalued, a child in the family can take over the feelings and behavior of this grandfather and carry them into the family. This can happen even if this grandfather has already died but remains devalued.

Another example:

The father in a family had a brother who died as an infant. This deceased child was not talked about in the father's family of origin. Pain and grief and therefore the person of this child was suppressed. When the brother of this deceased child later married and had children of his own, one of his children took over the repressed pain for this child.

In a family with a similar past, a child took on the role of the father's brother - i.e. his uncle - who had died at an early age and felt unappreciated and unvalued, just as that deceased child was unappreciated.

Important note:

So if there are "favorite children" and "problem children" in families, it should be noted that this often happens through an interplay of unconscious projections by a parent with unconscious "solidarity" on the part of a child with the burdens of his or her ancestors.

How can parents avoid burdening their children with projections?

- Have a dialog with your "inner child" in order to mourn possible pain from your own childhood and thus avoid projections: >>>

- Introduce your own "inner child" and the real born child to each other: >>>
(If the child born is larger, you can use a photo of this child)

- In the case of a painful loss in childhood, which can lead to repression and later to projections, write a farewell letter: >>>

How can children protect themselves as adults from the still effective projections of their parents?

Family tree work >>>

In the case of direct problematic contact with a parent: >>>

Manfred Hanglberger (www.hanglberger-manfred.de)

LINK to share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-projektionen-aufspaltung-auf-zwei-kinder.htm

Projections in the couple relationship (temporal split): >>>

To the overview of therapeutic exercises and rites: >>>

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