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Link to
share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-helferrolle-verabschieden.htm
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Healing exercise for psychological
stress from childhood fate (3) “Accepting
life from parents and
say goodbye to the role of helper" Because
one has been pushed into an inappropriate helper role by
one's parents or has overtaxed oneself by an inappropriate helper
role. (Overtaxing
closeness: Loss
of childhood and adolescence because one has gotten into an adult role too
early) Healing Rite:
Recognizing injuries in childhood and saying goodbye to inappropriate helper
roles that one has gotten in childhood: The following "rite"
consists of six elements: 1. Assumption of life from the parents 2. Farewell of inappropriate helper
roles 3. Life assumption from "mother
nature” (for believing
people also from God as source of life) 4. Attachment to the big community of
nature 5. Discovery and affirmation of one’s
own originality 6. Responsibility towards the
community of nature: Finding one's own vocation and place
in the world If possible, you put your own chair in
such a way that the back points to a window as large as possible, through
which you can look into nature. In front of this chair, two other chairs
are positioned on which in your imagination the
parents sit in such a way that they are facing you. While sitting on your own chair, you can
find the appropriate distance for the parents' chairs. If you want, you can
use symbols for the parents or attach photos of them to the chairs to make it
easier to be aware of their presence and thus to facilitate contact with
them. If the parents' behavior was very
different, it is necessary to make this rite once for the mother and once for
the father. Sometimes it is only necessary to do the rite for the parent who is problematic. 1. Life assumption from the parents Sitting on one's
own chair, one holds both hands open towards one's parents and receives life
itself and everything that one has received from them what is necessary,
pleasant and valuable: "Dear parents (dear father, dear
mother), life has flowed to me from you, without you and without your
relationship to one another I would not exist. I consciously accept my body and my
life as a whole from you! And all that you have given me in the
course of my childhood and youth: in food and clothing, in housing and care
of a mental and material way, everything you have given me, all that was
necessary for me to grow up and become an independent person, I now consciously
accept from you.“ 2. Farewell of inappropriate helper
roles One can be pushed into an
inappropriate helper role by the parents or by a parent, or one can feel the
neediness of the parents or of a parent as a child and then become involved as
a helper on your own initiative.. The most important problems that
may arise: 1. As a child in a helping role,
one sacrifices one's own childhood and adolescence and tries later
unconsciously to catch up on childhood and adolescence. 2. This relapse into childish and
adolescent behavior and the resulting expectations to partners and other
fellow human beings causes unpleasant relationship conflicts. 3. In addition, feelings of
inferiority and fear of failure can arise. 4. The opposite is also possible:
the emergence of arrogant overestimation of oneself and the resulting
contempt for fellow human beings. (Arrogant people usually do not
seek therapeutic help!) 5. In a pronounced role as a helper
for the parents, one easily gets into a parent-replacement role for the
parents, who are then regarded as needy children.
This makes it very likely that one unconsciously begins to despise the
parents. Even if you think you love and respect your parents, there can be
unconscious contempt. This contempt can later be
transferred to the fellow human beings, especially to persons of
authority (superiors, politicians and other leaders). Positive:
Such people recognize everywhere the weaknesses of other people and in
organizations and are good for innovation and improvements of all kinds. Negative:
Such people can be very dissatisfied with superiors and other people, can nag around everywhere, making themselves and
others unhappy. 6. Since parents live on in one's
own mind in a certain way, an unconscious contempt of the parents leads to
inner insecurity and dissatisfaction with oneself. 7. People with this childhood
history can vary greatly between responsible, prudent behaviour
on the one hand (in the role of helper) and superficial adolescent behaviour on the other (in the relapse phase into
childhood). 8) Such people usually look for a
psychologically similar structured partner and then develop a " swing relationship": with extreme change
between dominance and neediness. Many affected people find it
difficult to recognize the problem from their childhood, because they were
mentally strong in their memories as children, because they could give a lot
as "helpers". But some remember how
overburdened they felt in childhood and how much they suffered with the
suffering parent. Therapeutic approach: I look to the parents (at the
chairs) and consider what they have lacked or what they
suffered from or what has hurt, disappointed or overburdened them in
their life story (possibly in their childhood). Then I feel
how I have tried to support the parents (or to one of them), to be
compassionately close to them (or to one of them) or how I have renounced
periods of defiance in childhood and adolescence in order not to unsettle
them and not to be a burden to them and tried not to inflict emotional pain
on them. Maybe that is why I wanted to be a
low-maintenance, cheerful, obedient and always helpful child - and avoided
any conflict and tension with my parents? Therapeutic message: Dear parents, it is not my responsibility
to take care of your emotional well-being: you must help each other or, if
that is not possible, get help from other adults. I am not your therapist or pastor, i.e. I
do not place myself above you parents, but respect you as the greater ones,
from whom life has flowed to me. I am your child, accept my life from you and
respect you as (mediator of God and as) mediator of nature for my existence What I have received from you, I pass on
to others or use it for the good of others. “Transfer”,
not “Return” is the psychic law
in the relationship between parents and children. Therefore, I now end my commitment to
take care of your mental well-being and give this task back to you. If you
ask me to help you to organize appropriate help from outside, because you are
no longer able to do this, I will comply with this request. When my parents become needy in old age,
I, as their child, have the task to take care of their outer well-being in a
right way, but not of their meaning of life. Just as parents are not allowed to organize a meaning of life for their
children, children are not responsible for the meaning of life of their
parents - even if they would expect this. This would be a disregard for the
originality and thus the dignity of the other - or a support for their
refusal to take appropriate responsibility for themselves. For the pain of my sacrificed childhood
and youth I will do mourning work through the comforting "Dialogue with
the inner child", in order to progress on the path of discovering my own
being: >>> In case of solidarity with one
parent against the other parent A special but frequent role of helper
is the solidarity of a child with one parent against the other parent. Here,
the parent in need of support is the weaker parent who cannot stand up to the
dominant other parent. So the partnership of these parents is
characterized by a strong disparity. In most cases
the dominant parent is devalued and despised by the weaker parent and by the
child who is in solidarity with the weaker parent. The special task in this
constellation is the acceptance of one's own life from the devalued parent
and the cancellation of the supporting solidarity with the needy parent
against the dominant one. Sometimes there is the additional
problem that the weaker parent reacts extremely indignant and hurt if one
accepts one's life as an adult child also from the dominant, devalued parent
and signals respect to him or her. Under such circumstances, some people do
not manage to give up their role as helpers in the form of a one-sided
solidarity with the weaker parent. 3. Life assumption from "Mother Nature (for believing people also from God as source of
life) 4. And connected with the great community of nature Then you turn your chair around and look out through the window into
nature. If the window does not offer a view into the nature, one imagines a
wide and beautiful landscape. Later you look for a real natural landscape and
complete this last part of the exercise outdoors inwardly once again. “I am not only a child of my parents. The great
Mother Nature brought forth all life and nourishes it
and gives it air to breathe. I know myself connected and part of the great
community of Mother Earth.” Possible formulation for religious people: „I am not only a child of my parents. I am wanted
and affirmed by the source of all life and by the source of all
life-affirming forces, which many people call "God". "God" now looks at me with love and
benevolence. By him I am fully and unconditionally
accepted and affirmed. He says YES to my existence and gives me the
consciousness of
my absolute dignity and right to exist - regardless of how other people see
and judge me, regardless of what I mean to my parents. "God" has made my existence possible
through the long development of the universe and through the long development
of life on this earth. Through the great "Mother Nature", who
brought forth the diversity of all living beings, he has also given me my
life. So I
know that I am connected and part of the great community of life on our
earth. I am a "child of God" and a "child of Mother
Earth" and may develop mentally and spiritually and grow up in every
respect: to shape my life independently and responsibly - in connection with
the great community of all life.“ 5. Discovery and affirmation of one´s own
originality „I am a child of Mother Earth and know about my
originality and uniqueness. I am a miracle of nature: No one knows me completely
and comprehensively. I myself have been on the road all my life to
understand myself better and better and to recognize and develop my physical,
mental and spiritual powers and possibilities. In my originality I am
allowed to be different from every other person, different from my parents
too. Therefore my parents do not always need to
understand me. My raison d'être and my well-being do not depend on
my parents' thinking, expectations and decisions. But I, too, do not always need to understand my
parents - nevertheless I respect them as mediators of life for myself and
assume my life from them and give them a place in my heart.” 6. Responsibility towards the community of nature: Finding one's own vocation and place in the world „Dear parents, you are behind me, through you life has flowed to me. What I have received from you
may continue to flow forward through me (into my partnership, into my family)
to other people and for the good and blessing of the great community of life
on earth with people, animals, plants, natural elements, ... I want (I have?) to find my place in this community
of life on earth (Or: „I have found
my place in this community of life on earth ...”) and I
want to unfold my originality and serve the life on this earth.“ I close my eyes, exhale deeply a few times and let
the breath flow deep into me again and feel once again my connection to the
great community of life on earth. Then I stretch my arms and legs and stand
up. Manfred Hanglberger (www.hanglberger-manfred.de) Link to
share: https://hanglberger-manfred.de/en-helferrolle-verabschieden.htm
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The soul of a child Accepting
life from parents and renounce what is missing Accepting life from
parents and protect yourself |